I have ten Lorazepam pills left. Why am I googling this? What the fuck's wrong with me? Of course I can't really overdose on ten milligrams of Lorazepam. I envisioned drifting into a nice deep sleep, just maybe not hurting that much anymore, if only for a couple hours. I mean, sure, if I didn't … Continue reading Can I overdose on…
I can't watch anything on TV – concentration isn't there. Books. How about books? I said I'd spend the kids' holidays reading. But today, my thoughts keep drifting. Okay. Take a walk? But it's stormy outside. I could try yoga, but yesterday's attempt didn't work out. I can barely climb the stairs today. Something's wrong … Continue reading About (my) privilege
These past days – you must have guessed – have been some of the hardest of my life. The first anniversary of my breakdown hit me hard – especially since it coincided with the re-evaluation of certain relationships that have been important in my life. I decided to be strict with myself. I'm not letting my soft … Continue reading Thank the universe for women
I'll just say it: this getting off the antidepressants thing is going less than well. This weekend, Urban did all the housework. I cooked a little bit, but that was about it. Other than that, I kept shouting at the kids for no apparent reason (why do they have to talk when they're in the … Continue reading This shit’s hard.
Disclaimer: I am upset as I write this. There's a certain disillusionment and cynicism. If you're a close friend of mine or married to me, you might not want to read this. It might be disturbing. Today was supposed to be a good day. It marks one year from by breakdown, which caused me to … Continue reading Should I have died?
My therapist is adamant: in the core of all mental health progress is the concept of self-acceptance. That's a tricky one. Humans are fundamentally social beings. Without interaction within the species–speech develops simultaneously to complex thought–humans don't develop to be, well, functioning humans. Today's individualism culture tries to chip away that fundamental aspect of human … Continue reading Self-acceptance and fitting in
It's finally time. Burnout, breakdowns, a year of crying and therapy. Three fourths of my family is in therapy right now. My husband is in the process of (possibly) getting an autism diagnosis. My daughter is learning to cope with stress – and with mentally ill parents. And, last but not least, the person who … Continue reading Going off the meds
A couple weeks ago, and just as we'd finished the lunch I'd lovingly prepared, my husband told me, "I'll go out for a walk, okay?" By the way I looked at him, he knew how I felt about that. He didn't understand, so I told him how hectic my day had been up to that … Continue reading So you think you know what fatigue is
<< 18. When he cries It's been eight months since my last post, and as you might imagine, a lot has changed in that time. Where do I start? There have been so many discoveries about my husband, myself, my children, my feelings and their feelings and even other peoples' feelings, about perceptions and misconceptions–some … Continue reading 19. Discovering you matter
<< 17. Confirmation, contradiction, confusion / 19. Discovering you matter >> “Did you find a therapist?” the family counselor asked Urban. My husband hasn’t found a therapist. I understand his inhibition. It took me years to pinpoint and accept my issues and finally ask for help. God knows it’s not easy. You need some time … Continue reading 18. When he cries