10. A borderline borderline

<< 9. Middle of the night anxiety / 11. Panic Attack Thursday >>

For months, I’ve been wondering why I get along so well with people with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have several close friends who have been diagnosed with BPD or exhibit most of the traits, and I really, truly get them. When they describe feelings, symptoms, reactions, I feel them, mostly because I’ve had similar emotions and reactions in the past. I relate, not in an intellectual way, but in the we-share-an-experience way.

I talked about it with my therapist today—I started therapy again, for stress management, you see—and she confirmed my suspicions. I have several borderline traits, she said, but my condition is probably not severe, and in all likelihood not diagnosable. I grew up in a loving family, I was held and soothed as a child. The only reason I can find for this near-disorder is the one month’s separation from my mother immediately after I was born. I was a preemie, you see: in those days, they left you in an incubator, and nobody touched you for weeks. The therapist says this could well be my early-childhood bonding failure, and I have no reason to doubt her.

I did an online test based on ten yes-or-no questions, and I scored 6/10, where 7/10 can get you a diagnosis. Self-destructive behavior? Check! Binge eating is one of the first items on the list. Emotional dysregulation, outbursts? Check—although with lots of effort, I’ve improved that a lot. Self-harm? I won’t go into that, but let’s say, a tiny bit—enough to make “no” a dishonest answer. Anger outbursts? Towards Urban, mostly, yes. Also, towards some friends, back when I was pregnant, because somehow the hormones exacerbated the paranoia that my friends wanted to undermine me (or, to be more accurate, they caused some paranoia. I never exhibited this kind of thinking before that, and I haven’t since). Unstable relationships or lots of fights within relationships? Oh boy, the times I almost left my husband for dumb reasons. The only thing that saved me is that Urban has the inertia of a freight train. He trudges along, seemingly unfazed, and this saved the relationship. Thank God for that.

What else? Ah, the fear of abandonment. This is my “nobody will like me” mantra, which Urban is tired of hearing, and even more tired of refuting. I’ve had this feeling after every meeting with a new-ish friend since forever—since kindergarten, I swear—that now I finally did behave in an inappropriate way, and they finally saw how I truly am, and they won’t like me anymore.

Every. Single. Time. To this day.

It’s getting better, though. I have a lot of friends—my therapist has pointed this out often enough—and time and experience have proven that people actually don’t abandon me, even if I think my behavior or my personality is horrific. It’s an intellectually approachable result, for which I used the scientific method: observation, data gathering, statistics. Still, it’s not as easily accessible from the emotional side, at least not where new friends and new relationships are concerned. And the lack of boundaries… well, I’m able to regulate it, most of the time. It’s hard. I know it scares some people and drives them away, but my friends seem not to mind too much, and readers sometimes find it refreshing. It’s interesting, after all, to gain some insight into another person’s psyche. We are all relieved to see that we are not alone in our struggles, fears, insecurities. Most people hide themselves behind well-crafted facades. I just can’t—and believe me, I’ve tried.

I don’t experience dissociative states, though, and the above symptoms are mostly mild, and some of them have even subsided with the passing of the years. I can even feel the love of my friends these days, at least of old friends, although it is and will always remain a mystery to me why the majority of them rarely, if ever, initiate contact. “I love you,” they say, and yet they never send a message. It’s one of those great enigmas that have no answer, and my psychologist says I should just call them when I want to talk to them, and that’s pretty much that.

One might think finding out that you almost have a serious disorder when you’re nearing forty is jarring and disturbing, but to me, it’s liberating. I finally know why for thirty-five years I’ve felt wonky around others. Why I couldn’t adjust as well as I’d like in elementary school, why by the age of eleven I was convinced that no boy will ever like me, which continued in adult life as I’ll never find a boyfriend, and to this day continues as, if I ever get divorced, I’ll die alone.

(Evidently, I found a boyfriend. Phew! Hopefully, we won’t get a divorce. I mean, we won’t. Just think of the hassle!)

So, where do I go from here? I don’t think this new knowledge helps with the stress management, except as far as it gives me more insight into my condition, and therefore removes some of its general uncertainty.

One consoling feature of being on the verge of borderline disorder—a borderline borderline, if you’ll excuse the pun—is that you get the superpowers (increased empathy, deep insights into feelings and relationships) while still being able to tackle the debilitating symptoms of the disorder, even if that means approaching them from the intellectual side and not from the emotional one. Those superpowers you can use in multiple ways. I use them for writing deep characters in my books, for example, and my friend Chet, who has BPD, does the same thing. When I started reading his first book, I went Woah! I could have written this! He also gets my characters, and I get his. He even likes my deeply flawed and morally grey John character—whom I love—but I can assure you that few other readers do.

Anyway, I can’t change it, or rather, I can change it a little bit, with lots of effort. No point worrying over what you can’t change, as they say. I have to accept it and move on.

I did find a boyfriend, after all. He’s making pizza as we speak.

3. Raising an adult

<< 2. Something nice / 4. The storm and the calm after >>

For the past couple of days, my husband has been exhibiting a remarkable degree of emotional intelligence. The change wasn’t instantaneous. I think he’s been developing an understanding of our kids and their feelings—or me and my feelings—at a higher rate during the lockdown, and even more since we got professional help with dealing with our pre-pubescent daughter. I now think—or at least hope—that our sixteen-year-long journey as a couple, otherwise known as “Becoming Proper Adults” has paid off: I finally live with an emotionally intelligent adult. His progress is astounding. I never thought that a grown person could improve so much.

I’m convinced Urban’s emotional development stopped at the age of about eight. He’s a very calm, organized, introverted person, but has difficulty dealing with any kind of stress or changes to his schedule. For most of our life together, unexpected tension resulted in tantrums, things thrown, walking away in anger, banging doors. He didn’t understand the feelings behind simple gestures. In the first months of our relationship, I gave him a mug with a picture of a pirate mouse sitting on top of a treasure chest and the words “You are my biggest treasure” painted on it, to which his response was, “I don’t like mugs with pictures on them.” There’s a host of things to unpack right there—suppressed intergenerational war trauma, Germany, you see—which we are now beginning to tackle with the help of a psychologist.

And what about me? I just struggled to survive in my adopted country, strove to understand Germans and their ways. Years passed while I single-handedly took care of household and children and saw to everybody’s small and larger needs—not the sausages from that supermarket, mama, I know they look the same, but they taste differently—at the same time trying to be an adequate researcher. Shouldering the mental load of running a family while burdened with this handed-down emotional wound and having to deal with Urban’s dysfunctional, overbearing, sometimes downright hostile family brought me to a state of extreme irritability. For months before my breakdown I couldn’t stand the barest hint of a raised voice. It immediately sent me into a spiral of hyperventilation and despair—sometimes accompanied by hysterical crying. The kids got scared, I felt bad—what kind of a mother am I, unable to keep my cool during a regular family quarrel? Sometimes Urban showed maturity: he soothed me by saying it’s okay, everyone is allowed to get upset. Still, noises had to be kept low, interactions had to be polite, the kids needed to be nice to me, Urban had to be patient with all of us. At the smallest hint he was upset—a mere twitch, the slight alteration of the pitch of his voice—I freaked out.

He’d been making progress on the emotional intelligence front all these years, but I think he became more emotionally mature after my first hysterical crises, which started a couple months before the breakdown. But he still shouted at the kids—unable to deal with the behavior of our daughter, who’s reaching stages of development he somehow skipped when he was that age—and I just couldn’t stand it. Our daughter would cry, she’d scream that daddy doesn’t understand her, and I’d have to stop whatever I was doing because, in case you have forgotten, I’m the problem solver in this family. I’d have to convince her that daddy loves her, and I’d have to coax him into actually giving her what she needs, which is always a good, long hug. Urban still doesn’t understand the significance of hugs: even as a kid, what he wanted when he was upset was to be left alone. For me, as a child, being left alone was proof that my parents didn’t love me, and I’m sure our daughter feels the exact same way (she tells me so).

I’d been telling him for weeks: I can’t keep living like this. The strain is too much. The lockdown was a factor, sure, the months of homeschooling took their toll. Trying to make those two do anything was a constant, often futile struggle, like pushing an elephant uphill. Kids are little emotional elephants, if they don’t want to accommodate your wishes—ten minutes homework, not a big deal, you’d think—there’s nothing you can do to make them. On top of everything else, this was just the drop that overflowed the glass of my sanity.

All those days with two kids at home, trying to get answers to simple questions while they talked and shouted, jumped around, ignored me, fought, and didn’t do their damned homework, drove the stress levels to new heights. Every day there came a point when I felt dizzy, and I had to go out. I took short walks, breathed in the cool air, and then I came back, thinking I’m all refreshed and calm. But ten minutes in, the dizziness would return, and I would beg them to speak one at a time, to ask for things one at a time, and to just answer my questions. It never really worked. And when Urban emerged from the basement after work, he just added to the mayhem.

Somehow, now it works. Everybody talks in low voices, differences are solved quickly and without fighting, and Urban is the model of the perfect, calm parent, who treats his children with endless love and respect, who never loses his patience, no matter what tantrum the kid has worked itself up to, no matter how bratty or disrespectful or stubborn they’re being.

I watch him go about it, and I don’t know who this person is. For the past seven years, since our son came into this world, Urban’s frayed nerves and shouting were things you could depend on. Even two weeks ago, I dreaded going to my room to work, because I knew that five minutes later I would hear him shouting at our daughter, and she’d start to cry hysterically, and then the little one would start crying too because he can’t stand the others screaming at each other, and doors would be slammed and harsh things would be said. And every time, my anxiety would go up a notch.

But now, he’s perfect. I watch with suspicion, wondering how long it will last. The kids are also wonderful, but I trust them more: they can get used to new behaviors, they can easily develop new habits, they’re still young, moldable.

Dimitra says he’s scared out of his mind after what happened. This might explain this new personality. I have to say, I like this man, the one who’s not irritated all the time for reasons he doesn’t understand, the one with the calm, soothing voice, who makes everything all right. If this continues, I might even remember how it was to love him.