Am I well today? – No. Am I really unwell? – Not sure. When was the last time I was this unwell? – Sunday, June 6. What did I do then? – I didn't take the Lorazepam. Is today better? – Yes. In what way? – Didn't cry all day. Didn't spend the day in my … Continue reading Setback Q and A
I have ten Lorazepam pills left. Why am I googling this? What the fuck's wrong with me? Of course I can't really overdose on ten milligrams of Lorazepam. I envisioned drifting into a nice deep sleep, just maybe not hurting that much anymore, if only for a couple hours. I mean, sure, if I didn't … Continue reading Can I overdose on…
I can't watch anything on TV – concentration isn't there. Books. How about books? I said I'd spend the kids' holidays reading. But today, my thoughts keep drifting. Okay. Take a walk? But it's stormy outside. I could try yoga, but yesterday's attempt didn't work out. I can barely climb the stairs today. Something's wrong … Continue reading About (my) privilege
I'll just say it: this getting off the antidepressants thing is going less than well. This weekend, Urban did all the housework. I cooked a little bit, but that was about it. Other than that, I kept shouting at the kids for no apparent reason (why do they have to talk when they're in the … Continue reading This shit’s hard.
Disclaimer: I am upset as I write this. There's a certain disillusionment and cynicism. If you're a close friend of mine or married to me, you might not want to read this. It might be disturbing. Today was supposed to be a good day. It marks one year from by breakdown, which caused me to … Continue reading Should I have died?
My therapist is adamant: in the core of all mental health progress is the concept of self-acceptance. That's a tricky one. Humans are fundamentally social beings. Without interaction within the species–speech develops simultaneously to complex thought–humans don't develop to be, well, functioning humans. Today's individualism culture tries to chip away that fundamental aspect of human … Continue reading Self-acceptance and fitting in
It's finally time. Burnout, breakdowns, a year of crying and therapy. Three fourths of my family is in therapy right now. My husband is in the process of (possibly) getting an autism diagnosis. My daughter is learning to cope with stress – and with mentally ill parents. And, last but not least, the person who … Continue reading Going off the meds
Coming out of twenty years of self-hatred culminating in a nervous breakdown and burnout is quite the experience. Exhilarating. Uplifting. Sure, there's some sadness there–all that lost time! I could have been happy instead of losing two decades in misery! But how can you not revel in the new realisations? Can life really be like … Continue reading When self-hatred is elevated to a way of life
A couple weeks ago, and just as we'd finished the lunch I'd lovingly prepared, my husband told me, "I'll go out for a walk, okay?" By the way I looked at him, he knew how I felt about that. He didn't understand, so I told him how hectic my day had been up to that … Continue reading So you think you know what fatigue is
<< 15. Don't be a superhero / 17. Confirmation, contradiction, confusion >> Things have changed. Not just the little things my doctor expected, like less stress, more calmness, better interactions and fewer fights in our family. Yes, these aspects of life are improving, but they’re not what I want to talk about today. The more … Continue reading 16. Reassessing two decades