Am I well today? – No. Am I really unwell? – Not sure. When was the last time I was this unwell? – Sunday, June 6. What did I do then? – I didn't take the Lorazepam. Is today better? – Yes. In what way? – Didn't cry all day. Didn't spend the day in my … Continue reading Setback Q and A
I can't count the times I've made excuses for others. And I can't count the deliberations that have been going through my head when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Do they care? Was that thing they said a sign they care? Was the other thing a sign they don't? How do I know? How do … Continue reading Hey, you. Walk away. No excuses.
These past days – you must have guessed – have been some of the hardest of my life. The first anniversary of my breakdown hit me hard – especially since it coincided with the re-evaluation of certain relationships that have been important in my life. I decided to be strict with myself. I'm not letting my soft … Continue reading Thank the universe for women
I'll just say it: this getting off the antidepressants thing is going less than well. This weekend, Urban did all the housework. I cooked a little bit, but that was about it. Other than that, I kept shouting at the kids for no apparent reason (why do they have to talk when they're in the … Continue reading This shit’s hard.
Disclaimer: I am upset as I write this. There's a certain disillusionment and cynicism. If you're a close friend of mine or married to me, you might not want to read this. It might be disturbing. Today was supposed to be a good day. It marks one year from by breakdown, which caused me to … Continue reading Should I have died?
It's finally time. Burnout, breakdowns, a year of crying and therapy. Three fourths of my family is in therapy right now. My husband is in the process of (possibly) getting an autism diagnosis. My daughter is learning to cope with stress – and with mentally ill parents. And, last but not least, the person who … Continue reading Going off the meds
"You've been emotionally abused," Dimitra said to me yesterday. I've been in therapy for a year. I've solved most of it–binge eating, body dysmorphia, trichotillomania, lack of object constancy; even my Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria has diminished greatly. But this took me by surprise. It hit me like a brick on the face. I asked her … Continue reading No, you’re not needy
Have you been rejected? Do you know how it feels? How about feeling rejected all the time, day and night, during every interaction? How would your life be if your brain interpreted every question, every hint, and the body language of everyone around you as a statement of their dissatisfaction, criticism, and, yes, rejection? This … Continue reading Rejection
Coming out of twenty years of self-hatred culminating in a nervous breakdown and burnout is quite the experience. Exhilarating. Uplifting. Sure, there's some sadness there–all that lost time! I could have been happy instead of losing two decades in misery! But how can you not revel in the new realisations? Can life really be like … Continue reading When self-hatred is elevated to a way of life
<< 18. When he cries It's been eight months since my last post, and as you might imagine, a lot has changed in that time. Where do I start? There have been so many discoveries about my husband, myself, my children, my feelings and their feelings and even other peoples' feelings, about perceptions and misconceptions–some … Continue reading 19. Discovering you matter